Anxiety Smackdown: The Indies Invade Philly Prep Version

My nerves are frayed, and it’s awesome. My excitement has me bouncing in my seat, and I’m not even trying to stop it. My anxiety is lurking in the shadows of my mind, but I’m managing it. So many battling emotions, and I couldn’t be happier. I have made at least 20 lists this past week so I don’t forget anything. I haven’t looked forward to something this much in a really long time. I have my rolling bag, sharpies, glitter pens, tote bags, hooker red nail polish (for last minute touch-ups), sticky notes, the floor plan (highlighted for easy reference), my author t-shirts, hoodies, and pins, my journal, portable phone charger, Kindle, and …. BOOKS! OMG, so may books! I think I may have overdone it on the books (hence the rolling cart and tote bags). And it’s all good. Because this weekend is Indies Invade Philly (IIP). And I am a freaking mess!

To be fair, this is the first author signing I’ve ever gone to. And I am scared stupid to meet my favorite authors. And perhaps find my next favorite author. And get their books signed. And my favorite narrators are going to be there. All of those amazing voices! And I have books they’ve narrated for them to sign. If I don’t pass out first. I know I won’t be the only one stupidly excited to meet them, so hopefully I have that going for me.

And it’s not just the authors and narrators I’m stupidly excited about meeting… it’s all of the bookish community & group friends I’ve made since March of 2020 when I started reading Romance novels. This feels like the biggest family (or framily) reunion ever, but I’ve never actually met any of these people in person. It’s insane. And so freaking exciting. I am literally shaking right now while writing this post. And yes, I do know what literally means. And I do mean I am LITERALLY shaking I am so excited. And nervous. Did I mention that I’m nervous?

When I first found out about IIP, I messaged my sister and asked her what she was doing the weekend of November 14th and if she would go to Philly with me for an author event. Before she even asked what the event was, she agreed. LOL! I did clue her in and fortunately she didn’t change her mind. She probably rolled her eyes, but that’s typical younger sister behavior, so I expected it. In fact, thinking about it, I’ll be a bit disappointed if she didn’t. Anyway, I asked her because I know she’s a romance reader, too, and I thought it would be great fun for us to go together. But I also asked her because I am terrified to travel to something like this on my own. It has nothing to do with the place, and everything to do with getting there and the fact that I would know absolutely nobody there. And when I thought about that, my anxiety instantly spiked.

A huge part of that anxiety centered around just getting there. I really don’t like driving into Philly. Going to a city I know, no problem. A city I’ve never driven to without someone else navigating, terrifying. What if my GPS stopped working? Or I couldn’t find anywhere to park near the hotel? And taking the train, while much easier, is also terrifying on my own. What if I get on the wrong train? Or miss my train? What if I miss my stop? What if I can’t find my way from the train station to the hotel? My sister does these things all the time, alone and with others, with ease. She can help me! I’ll feel confident and safe with her. BTW- I know all of those things sound silly to people who don’t have travel anxiety, but trust me, it’s debilitating. And it sucks.

And it wasn’t just the travel anxiety that had me reaching out for a lifeline from someone I trust fully with my phobias. It’s that lovely situational social anxiety I live with. The fear of not fitting in. Of not finding anyone to hang out with while at the event. The fear of being looked at oddly by others. Left out. Looked through, over, around. The fear of being invisible and paralyzed with indecision, waiting outside the event door, terrified to go in because of what might happen on the other side of the door where everyone else knows someone, and I don’t, and nobody will talk to me. And I’ll be all alone in a new place, terrified to interact with anyone, fully negating my very reason for being there.

I know people who know me are reading this and thinking, “dude, wtf, you’re a teacher, a public speaker, an actor…, how on earth do you have anxiety about going to something like this?” Well, that’s how my anxiety works! I have no problem getting in front of a room of hundreds of people I’ve never met and speaking at length about topics I’m familiar with. I’ve performed in numerous musicals. I interact with new people at my day & evening jobs all the time. But that’s totally different to me. I’m in a different position in those situations. I’m the one in charge, I control the environment, and I have clear expectations of what is going to happen. Situational anxiety is a strange creature. And going to an event like IIP, where there are likely to be large groups of people who know each other, and authors/narrators I love but have never met, while I’m completely on my own? Petrified does not even come close to how I feel about that! What if I never find someone I “know” from one of the on-line groups and I’m left wandering aimlessly around the event until I give up and just head back to my hotel room? It’s something I work on every day. And it comes from some pretty significant childhood events, but I’m not going to get into that here. Just trust me when I tell you, I know it’s an “issue,” I work on it every day, and this event is one huge step in the right direction. Even if I did need to call in reinforcements. Progress is progress.

Something really interesting happened once my sister agreed to go with me. That entire anxiety issue nearly vanished. Not only did I feel confident and comfortable about going, but I felt confident and comfortable in offering to meet with others traveling alone and helping ease their anxiety about not knowing anyone there. Amazing how changing one thing in the plan can create an entirely different mindset. Of course, that doesn't mean it won't swing in the other direction once I get there and I'll have to be talked off the ledge once more (which, by that point, may require chocolate and a good bourbon). Again, welcome to the wonderful world of anxiety!

By the time it came around to ticket sale day, The Hubster and I sat on our computers with our fingers over the purchase button, waiting for those golden tickets to come up. And we snagged them! In fact, we scored tickets for me, our older spawn, my sister, and my niece! And yes, we are absolutely comfortable with our kids attending this event. For more of my feelings on this, read this blog post: https://brayzenbookwyrm.wixsite.com/bookblog/post/you-let-your-kid-read-that-stuff

We decided to make a full weekend of it and booked our hotel rooms right away. And even though they’re not joining us at the signing, our travel plans now include my younger spawn and my sister’s foreign exchange student. Because a trip to historic Philadelphia was already in their plans and what a great opportunity to make a fun weekend of it! Extra bonus: Our kids (exchange student included) are all amazing teens who actually like spending time with us and each other, and we are all looking forward to this trip together.

So here I am, the night before we travel to IIP, and I can’t sit still. I can’t focus on much of anything. I still have to pack, but that’s really minor compared to what I’ve already done in prep for this trip and event. I am looking forward to it with a bit of anxiety still, because that’s how anxiety works. But even more, I’m looking forward to it with so much excitement and enthusiasm. I know I’m going to be too much for some people, and that’s okay. My personality isn’t for everyone. In fact, my anxiety sometimes manifests in me being a bit over-the-top enthusiastic. Or incredibly sarcastic and snarky. But my tribe is going to be there with me and for me. And not just my family tribe who already know how extra I can be, but my bookish tribe who I’ve gotten to know and who have gotten to know me. And knowing they’ve got me, no matter what, is stupidly exciting.